


“I Am Bill Buttlicker”

by d0ntyouforgetaboutme



Category: IT (Movies - Muschietti)
Genre: Alternate Universe - No Pennywise (IT), Alternate Universe - Office, M/M, Secret Crush
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-21
Updated: 2020-01-21
Packaged: 2021-02-27 08:54:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,157
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22340623
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/d0ntyouforgetaboutme/pseuds/d0ntyouforgetaboutme
Summary: Inspired by The Office scene where Jim and Dwight practice making a sales call.(Some adjustments made to fit the characters better)
Relationships: Eddie Kaspbrak/Richie Tozier
Comments: 4
Kudos: 53





	“I Am Bill Buttlicker”

It was really Richie’s fault that they had to do this in the first place, Eddie thinks. Sure, some customers may have found him “abrasive” during his sales calls, but it’s not his fault people can’t handle someone being direct. Richie being a smug, arrogant prick during his sales calls was what really caused the reviews to come back so negative. Hell, Richie’s reviews used those exact words to describe him.

And now they were both sat across from each other in the conference room with two phones on the table and an exhausted looking Bill. Bill looks like he would much rather be in his office, ignoring his work in favor of working on his novels. Eddie doesn’t blame him; all of them are miserable at their dead end jobs at the failing Derry branch of Dunder Mifflin and Richie is insufferable to work with on top of that.

Richie looks irritated, like he would much rather be anywhere but here. God, Eddie really hates Richie sometimes. With his stupid pranks and immature jokes (usually at Eddie’s expense) that he thinks will get him a career as a professional comedian, and his lips curled up into a stupid smirk as he laughs at his own bullshit. Eddie never thinks about kissing those lips. Nope, not ever.

“I’m going to have to fix you two. Now,” Bill sighs, rubbing his temple. Richie leans back in his chair and Eddie thinks he looks like a complete douche wearing only a shirt and tie, no suit jacket like everyone else. He tries not to look at him too much, or else he’ll start trying to make out Richie’s physique under his shirt. Not because he thinks Richie’s attractive or anything like that, though.

“Richie is going to be the client. Eddie, you’re going to have to sell to him without being aggressive, hostile, or difficult.”

Eddie finds this exercise to be completely stupid, but he picks up his phone and puts it to his ear.

“Fine,” Richie puts his phone to his ear as well. “Hello?”

“Hello, this Edward Kaspbrak from the Dunder Mifflin Paper Company.”

“Wow, that’s great, cause I need paper.”

“Excellent! Then you are in luck because we are having a limited time offer on only everything.”

“Wow, this is my lucky day.”

“Ask him his name,” Bill instructs. Eddie nods.

“What is your name, sir?”

“I am Bill Buttlicker,” Richie says with his trademark smug look.

Eddie pauses, trying to process his co worker’s stupidity. “Really? That’s your real name?”

“How dare you,” Richie displays the worst fake outrage Eddie has ever seen. He’s very obviously trying not to start laughing at his own bit. “My family built this country, by the way!”

“Be respectful, Eddie” Bill whispers.

“Can you hold on one second? That’s my other line.”

“What, no but I-“ Eddie sputters, trying to make sense of his co worker.

“Hello? Yeah, no I’m just on the phone with this stupid salesman,” Richie smirks, carrying on with his fake conversation. “He’s so dumb. Probably just gonna keep him on the line forever and not buy anything.”

Eddie looks over at Bill, who looks like he wants to die. “It’s up to you to change his mind,” is all he offers to Eddie.

“Okay! Sorry, that was a family emergency.” Richie looks unreasonably pleased with himself.

“Oh no, what’s wrong?” Eddie grumbles, trying not to sound too sarcastic.

“You know what? That’s private.”

“Boundaries, Eddie! Come on,” Bill reminds him.

“Sorry, Mr. Buttlicker.” Eddie is going to kill Richie. Eddie is definitely going to kill him. “As I was saying, we’re having a limited-“

“Sorry, you’re gonna have to speak up a little louder. I’m hard of hearing.”

“H-He’s hard of he-, he’s a grown man,” Bill tells a scowling Eddie, trying to encourage him to continue as his hope of this excercise going well dwindles. Eddie only plays along because he can tell Bill is stressed. Bill only starts stuttering again when he gets stressed out.

“As I was saying, right now we are-“

“You’re gonna have to talk louder.”

Eddie grits his teeth and raises his voice slightly. “Okay, our prices have never been lower-“

“Son, you’re gonna have to talk louder.”

“Never been lower!”

“Louder son!”

“BUTTLICKER! OUR PRICES HAVE NEVER BEEN LOWER!”

“Stop it! Stop it!” an exasperated Bill finally interrupts the exchange.

Eddie has never been more pissed off and frustrated in his life, and that’s saying something considering the fact that he works with this man. The man that is sitting there, so amused by his own antics without caring how it affects anyone else.

“He-“

“That is totally inappropriate. You n-never yell at the client. You n-never yell at the client.”

Eddie doesn’t understand why Bill isn’t scolding Richie, who is the reason he’s yelling in the first place.

“Now you listen to me, sir,” Richie starts again. Why doesn’t he ever know when to stop?

“He-here we go,” Bill groans.

“The three words I would describe you as is aggressive, hostile, and definitely difficult.”

“Give me the phone,” Bill says to Eddie.

Maybe he can fix this if he keeps going along with this stupid role play and convinces Richie’s persona to buy some fake paper. “Please, Mr. Buttlicker-“

“I’m irate right now.”

“Give me the phone,” Bill says, this time more sternly.

“Please give me another chance, Mr. Buttlicker,” Eddie stops, sighing as Bill keeps insisting he hand the phone over. “I have to put you on the phone with my boss.” He hands the phone over to Bill.

“Well I should hope so. Who is this?”

“Hello, this is William Denbrough, regional manager.”

“Well this is William M. Buttlicker.”

Bill looks at the shit eating grin on Richie’s face and then at the angry look on Eddie’s face and gives up on the exercise. Eddie looks like he’s about the cry tears of frustration. He groans and burries his face in his hands. “Okay, forget it. Just, both of you go back to your desks.”

Richie complies and gets up while Eddie stays seated. He’s so upset and annoyed and worried that Bill’s mad at him, and the fact that Richie’s ass looks so nice in his dress pants is even more annoying to him.

“Eddie, please, go back to your desk,” Bill says. “I’m n-not mad at you, I just n-need you to go back and work, okay?” Eddie nods and gets up.

When he goes to sit down at his desk, he looks over at Richie being quiet for once as he types away at his computer. There’s a vacant look in his eyes as he’s clearly daydreaming about something. He adjusts his glasses as they start to slip off of his face and briefly give a clearer view of his dazzling blue eyes. Eddie’s secretly glad that Richie is so obnoxious and frustrating, because otherwise he would have to kiss him.

**Author's Note:**

> The scene for anyone who wants to watch it:  
> https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=qHrN5Mf5sgo  
> Try to tell me Richie wouldn’t do this


End file.
